The world loves kind, smiling and positive people. But is it always genuine kindness? Or is fear, profit and cold calculation sometimes hidden behind the mask of politeness?

Today we will talk about servility and unjustified optimism as forms of psychological distortions that can turn into dangerous patterns of behavior.

Sympathizers: innocent flatterers or experienced manipulators?

Curiosity often looks like care, support and admiration. But the truth is that sycophants rarely do it selflessly. Their main goal is to benefit, provide themselves with comfort and security by using others.

How do they do it?

Manipulation due to praise: “Only you can do it, you are so smart!”

False sympathy: support with the hidden intention of getting something in return.

Creating dependence: the sycophant pretends that you cannot cope without him.

I have a relative who, under almost every post of a person who is useful to her, sincerely sprinkles saccharine comments of praise and flattery, which she was taught in dubious pseudo-psychological courses. Moreover, as soon as a person is used, interest in him disappears and the search for new victims of “friendship” begins. A person lives like this for years, the forest has become a way of life for him, regardless of who is in front of her: his own or a stranger. Having no other, honest, adult style, a person uses sycophancy, lies, pseudo-compliments in order to worm her way into someone’s confidence and then manipulate the victim-“girlfriend”.

These are not just “nice people”. These are psychological parasites who feed on other people’s resources: attention, connections, status. Their weapons are flattery and hypocrisy.

“Flattery is like counterfeit coin: it devalues ​​both the one who gives and the one who takes” – Seneca.

Are sycophants always aware of their manipulative nature? Not always. But this does not make the behavior less toxic.

Unjustified optimism: sweet lies to yourself

Optimism is good. But when it becomes a tool of self-deception, we fall into a trap. “Everything will be fine” turns into an excuse for inaction. And often this is also a form of manipulation – not of others, but of yourself:

“I will not change anything, but I believe that a miracle will happen.”

“I don’t want any negativity in my life. I don’t care about war, I have my own life.”

“I treat myself tenderly, even at the expense of other people, I have one life.”

“He’s cheating on me, but I’m an optimist.”

“Is the company falling apart? No, it’s just a bad streak.”

Here the mechanism of defensive denial is at work, which is considered dangerous in psychotherapy because it blocks adequate actions.

Two sides of the same coin

Often servility and false optimism go hand in hand. Why? Because it is convenient for a person to live in an imaginary world where everyone loves, there are no conflicts, and problems resolve themselves, and they do not need to do anything themselves.

But in reality:

Sympathizers are masters of social chess. They build the illusion of friendship in order to have power.

Illusionist optimists are not only victims of their own deceptions, but also subtle manipulators who, instead of solving problems, shift responsibility to others

Why is this unsafe?

When communicating with such individuals, people lose themselves, living in a deal with others.

Dependent and manipulative affairs are formed.

Problems are not solved – they accumulate.

How to protect yourself from positive parasites and not become one of them?

Ask yourself: “Is my sincerity now real or beneficial?”

Learn to say “no”, even if it is unpleasant.

Filter flattery: sincere praise is always specific, not general.

Replace blind optimism with a realistic plan.

Ask yourself whether you are acting of your own free will or whether those actions are being imposed on you.
Remember that true friends are always there, even if they are 1000 km away from you. Friendship is tested by experience.

The current situation is such that people who have lost their usual environment are forced to seek new social contacts. And therefore, in need of human support, some accept such forms of relationships, not understanding the dangers of small flattery and insignificant favors.

Value your freedom and independence, fence yourself off from toxic people in your life.

And an experienced psychologist or psychotherapist will help you understand a specific situation.

Be healthy!

Doctor-psychotherapist, crisis psychologist

Rymma Shtubler